Choice; What is Your Choice?

So much controversy these days surrounding choice. The positive powers of choice are immeasurable but can sometimes be harmful.

I’m a huge believer in providing children with choices whenever possible. Giving them power over the guided choices they need to make is essential to building good self-esteem and empowerment (and, parents, leads to much less arguing) I used to joke about giving my kids choices when they were young by stating the choice, “Would you like to eat your broccoli or have your thumbs cut off?” In reality, their choices were more like, “Would you like broccoli or carrots? My daughter brought me a stack of books she wanted me to read to her but we were getting ready to leave the house. I told her I had time to read one. “NO MOMMY! 5 books or NO books!” She had the right idea but…

Today, in our COVID-19 state of being it seems that people are making choices in the name of personal freedom that are detrimental and sometimes deadly to others, including our children.

Parents absolutely have the right to make responsible medical choices for their children but parents need to realize that the choice to not vaccinate themselves and/or their children puts themselves and others in dire peril. I’m seeing so many children who are under the age of being vaccinated being out in public with no masks and it distresses me greatly. At a time when even children’s hospitals are overflowing with patients who are suffering from COVID, I firmly believe masking children is essential. Right now, it’s their only protection from non-symptomatic COVID carriers. Even vaccinated people can pass the disease.

I want to ask these parents if they prefer having living children or dead children? It’s that serious. What is the choice they’re making? Without masks, they’re CHOOSING to put their children in abject danger. In any other case where parents/caregivers intentionally place their children in harm’s way, there are legal consequences for these parents to be held accountable. I can’t see how not masking is different from other child endangerment charges.

With regards to parents choosing to forego vaccination, I want to ask THEM if they prefer that their children be raised by and live with them or if they prefer their children to be orphans.

One of the saddest stories I’ve read was about parents who had 5 children including a newborn. Both chose not to vaccinate and both died shortly after their youngest was born. http://www.cnn.com/2021/09/13/us/california-family-covid-death-orphan-five-children/index.html

Nobody plans on getting sick and dying so what needs to be realized is that COVID-19 DOES NOT discriminate between those who want and don’t want to vaccinate. I wonder how those parents would have answered the question about who should raise their children? I think I can guess.

Vaccination choices can be deadly for the people who choose not to vaccinate AND for others everywhere with whom they have contact. Choosing not masking younger children is nothing less than playing Russian Roulette with children? Is the gun loaded? Is that person close to my child carrying the disease which could kill them? To me, there is only one choice: vaccinate when possible and wear masks when out in public. Let yourselves and your children stay alive. please.

Building Confidence in Youth During Uncertain Times

Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

We’re all feeling uncertain and how can we not? COVID-19 has dramatically changed how we live our lives and our normal activities that provide us with mental/emotional outlets have been largely cut off. We are having to navigate unchartered waters and seek a “new normal” until it’s safe to go out again. Adults have a bit of advantage because most of us are able to fully understand how/why our lives are upended and we may be able to see an eventual end to our upheaval.

Our youth don’t have the valuable insights and full understandings that we adults enjoy during times of difficulty. Even we adults do not have all of the answers about our COVID-19 lives so it’s not surprising that many children are experiencing acute feelings of isolation and uncertainty. Few studies have been conducted regarding these increased stress and anxiety levels in children and adolescents, but those that have been examined not surprisingly show that the anxiety might be worse for our youth than we imagined. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7363598

Children and adolescents do not have fully developed brains and won’t until they’re in their mid-late 20s. Specifically, the pleasure center of the brain generally overcomes the “brakes” in the brain that tell us the consequences of our actions can be harmful or deadly. The younger child with less life experience is at greater risk of not understanding the COVID danger beyond the fact that they could get sick. They want social interaction in school and with friends during non-school hours. They don’t really understand why they can’t have the interaction they crave. They may feel the tension in the home over increasing greater parental demands and possible financial hardship but might not comprehend the gravity of the problems or their origins. They may know they’re not happy and they don’t know why.

What can caregivers do?

Begin by listening. Regularly invite your child to express feelings/frustrations/and questions. (Younger children might not have the words to express their anxieties so they might draw pictures, role play with dolls or other figures (paper cut-outs will do), use puppets, etc. to “show not tell”.) Parents can guide discussion by asking questions such as, “Does not being able to play with your friends make you happy or sad?” Tell me more about (answer). (It is CRITICAL that you validate and not criticize any response offered by the child.) Be sure to offer an affirmation to your child’s response such as, “I understand that. I feel sad that I can’t be with my friends too.” Then, discuss the “how’s and whys” of what might be causing distress in a concise and age appropriate manner. Answer only the expressed concern. Too much information can be overwhelming.

Finally, offer your child ways to take control. For example, “Since we can’t be together in person, what ways might we connect with our friends?” Ideas like writing letters, sending pictures, emailing, phone calls, online meetings and virtual play dates, etc. are just a few ways kids can interact with their friends. Please be sure to have your child choose the way she/he prefers to initiate contact. Another idea is for you and your child to brainstorm ways you might help other children who are experiencing the same fears and anxieties. Feelings of being in some control and/or in a position of helping others will empower young ones and are likely to ease their anxiety. In fact, offering daily choices such as those expressed in the following article can help provide a better sense of wellness. https://extension.psu.edu/programs/betterkidcare/early-care/tip-pages/all/giving-children-choices

Remember, honesty is the best policy when talking to your child/ren but too much information can be confusing and could produce more anxiety for your child instead of easing it. Your discussion should be age appropriate and include answers that specifically address the ideas and concerns of the child/ren involved. This can be a 5-minute conversation as long as your child feels heard but by all means, don’t rush the conversation. Take a cue from your child and let the conversation take its natural course.

Do you know if your child feels valued and heard? Ask.

If you believe your child is experiencing extreme anxiety or depression, please seek professional help immediately. The above advice is for mild to moderate problems.

Do you have ideas to share that have worked with your kids? We’d love to hear them!

What to Do When a Child is Being Bullied.

First and foremost, we parents need to understand that bullying extends far beyond the schoolyard these days and can include bullies (adults and children) from anywhere around the world. It’s not inconceivable that a bully can not be confronted in person so it’s IMPERATIVE that adults and caregivers be vigilant about any media a child is using. That means that all histories and passwords need to be available for daily checks and at NO TIME should a child have a computer, TV, or phone alone when in a room and certainly not in their bedrooms until they are adults. We didn’t allow our children to have any device in their rooms so we had a room set up for media for them where we could always see the screens they were using. Private passwords were not allowed–PERIOD.

The reason for this imperative of course is how easily your child is vulnerable to predators as well as those who seek to mentally and emotionally harm others. Bullying that starts at school is often joined by others who have never met your child!

Children must know there is a safe place to report bullying at home and at school. Often, kids are afraid to report for fear of making the bullying worse and often they are correct that it will. How the parents and schools handle the bullying is the key to successful remediation. I once had the superintendent of our school system tell me that “children will be children and some kids will bully so the rest have to toughen up”. no kidding. That is NOT true and please don’t let your child or you be dismissed by personnel when there is a problem. In my teaching career and in my raising of our children, I have found that a calm peaceful conversation with the teacher/administrator can have a profoundly positive effect when bullying is consistent and when the child who is bullying is involved. I didn’t find it to be useful to attack or admonish the bully but rather (with the victim’s permission) to have a conversation with the child(ren) involved in the incident.

Beginning with the offender, we’d just have a discussion involving what the child CHOSE to do and the actions the offender CHOSE to take. (CHOSE is the operative word because it takes the onus away for consequences from others and places at the feet of the bully.) Next, I’d focus on the bully and discuss times when he/she had been picked on and how it felt at the time to go through that. With the victim’s permission, the next step was to have a conversation with all of the parties involved including bystanders if possible. This was not to impugn any child, but rather, to talk about feelings of the children involved when the incident(s) took place. Finally, I’d have a talk with the victim and we’d discuss appropriate restitution which most of the time was an honest apology.

Depending on the severity of the bullying, greater more stringent action may be needed. Not every problem can be remediated by a discussion.

Taking Time to Make Masks

For the foreseeable future, I will be devoting my time and attention to making masks for healthcare providers. To date, I’ve managed to make almost 100 for friends and family who are in the healthcare professions. I sure wish I had minions to cut fabric. Please stay home and be safe.

In times like these, children can often feel helpless but they sure can be enlisted to help others so they might be empowered. Isolation is hard for those who isolate alone such as the elderly. If your kids can read a story, play music, or mail cards, it’s good for them to do so and they can share with shut-ins. Contact your local social service agencies who can offer your number or web page to people in need of bright content.

Your children can make cards, draw pictures, etc. to send to a local nursing home. They can help you gather food to donate to food pantries and so much more, make phone calls or help with some yard work. Ask your kids what they would like to do then help them accomplish their goals.

How Do We Teach Our Youth to Hate?

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Bullying doesn’t only happen in schools and teaching children to hate and justify bullying starts at a youth’s extremely young age and can carry through to adulthood. That’s not to say that if a child bullies he/she is bad and will always be a bully. When my kids were very young, they were outside playing with a boy who lived down the street. Our next door neighbor’s son was outside in his yard playing. This neighbor child was as sweet as the day is long but he had mental challenges and they were pronounced. Somehow, I went outside to find my kids and the boy down the street making fun of our neighbor by taunting him and calling him names. I was so taken aback by surprise that it took me a moment to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do.

The first thing I did was to bring all 3 children inside and talk to them about how it feels to be bullied. We conducted a little role playing which clarified for each child how the bullied neighbor child felt when they were taunting him and they were very understanding (except for the boy who lived down the street). I sent the visitor home and my kids and I had a heart-to-heart talk about how not only the bullied child feels hurt but that the people around the bullied child feel hurt as well. It was clear to them that I NEVER wanted to hear about either of them bullying again. Furthermore, they were sent to invite the neighbor child over to play and get to know him.

There was no punishment, there was only instructive conversation and restitution. The neighbor child was several years older than my children so the kids didn’t continue to play together after that day but MY children, to my knowledge, never bullied again. Instead, I heard from their teachers over the years that they were usually the ones who stood up and defended a child when he or she was being bullied. I was extremely happy about that.

In schools we punish the bullies but that only makes the bully resentful and angry and more likely to be careful to bully when adults aren’t present. When I was teaching, I would talk to the bullied child and validate her/his feelings and I suggested that they, with me present, talked to the bully and share their hurt feelings. (If one didn’t want to have that discussion, I didn’t force it.) When we did talk to the bully, we talked in a very non-threatening manner and simply described to the offender the actions that made the victim feel bullied and what emotions the victim experienced during the incident. I was astonished by how many times the offender didn’t realize the full impact of their actions and how genuinely sorry they were when they learned. After that conversation, we discussed restitution and how the bully might work to heal the wounds he/she caused. Most of the time, a genuine apology and vow not to repeat was all the victim sought. In many instances, the 2 became friends or friendly with one another!

When our youth encounter circumstances or people they don’t understand or have not previously experienced, they will ask questions about the differences they see in people and circumstances around them. They need to learn so a simple and direct answer without negative judgement is the best. For Example, “That person can’t use his/her legs so they have that special chair to help them get around. How would you feel if you couldn’t use your legs? Would you want me to get you a wheelchair to help you move around?” “Those 2 men/women love each other so they’re holding hands. Do you like to hold hands with someone you love?”

Not all parents are as understanding as we would hope they would be and some mock the differences by using derogatory names and making fun of what they see. They may not fully understand how that negativity teaches a child that differences are to be scorned and that the people with differences are some how less than those without. (*differences meaning different from those in the home environment and immediate community)

“It takes a village to raise a child.” is very true. This is where other people in the child’s immediate life (microsystem) can be a valuable asset and model understanding and appreciation. If the parents haven’t had the teaching conversation, then the others in the lives can step in. It’s important what we model and how we react so the child develops empathy and an understanding that not everyone is the same and our differences make us more interesting. We call all learn from the stories of others and that builds compassion and empathy.

Beyond the microsystem is the mesosystem that includes people who directly influence a life but aren’t members of the nuclear family. (teachers and caregivers, for example) How they model positive interactions with a wide variety of variation among individuals is critically important as well. In fact, throughout the ecological developmental system what children observe about words and actions is more powerful that anything we can teach.

Photo by Mitch Lensink on Unsplash

That is why I am totally dismayed about our political and parts of our social environment these days. When the person in charge of our country and many of those in equal office levels pander hate and disdain for people from other countries or those of non-white skin tones, that shapes a developing child’s attitudes and beliefs as well. These developmental assets for positive youth development can become absent:

 Positive Values

26. Caring

27. Equality and Social Justice

28. Integrity

29. Honesty

30. Responsibility

31. Restraint

When the same hateful sentiments and attitudes are prevalent at home and in a community as well, there is little chance for a youth to experience positive growth in these and other areas. They learn anger, hate, fear, and prejudice. These can have a negative effect on developing health and mental wellness that can last a lifetime.

No member of any community is powerless to help mold positive assets in any youth. We can all lead by example and teachings in big and small ways. One comment or event can take a youth from hatred to caring. Never be afraid to take the chance to make a positive difference in a life.

Catch Them While They’re Young

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From a very young age, children know the difference between right and wrong. They’ll lie to cover up their own wrong doings even though the lies are often nonsensical. It can be tempting to view their stories as cute and entertaining and let them go, but don’t fall into the trap of letting them go. In no way should you shame the child or berate her/him. Instead, you can gently lead them to the truth and praise them for telling it. This is a teaching approach and will help build their self-esteem and trust. (two developmental assets that are a foundation for future successful living and living a life that enables the child to thrive.)

Photo by Ricardo Viana on Unsplash

Caregivers, guardians, and parents can begin with questions like, “So, the dog did this?” “How did the dog get the ______?” “How could the dog do that when it has paws and not hands?”, etc. Next, gently move to personal questions involving the child. “Where were you?” “What did you CHOOSE to do?” “Why did you CHOOSE to do that?” “What did you hope would happen?” “Were you just curious?” and so on. Taylor your questions to the circumstances and responses of the child, for sure, but always keep in mind that you want the child to tell the truth and that telling the truth will help them grow in a positive direction.

When the child tells the truth or something close to it, you can follow with more questions: “That sounds more like the truth, how do you feel about telling the truth?” “Will you tell me the real truth?” Praise them for telling the truth. “I like it when you tell the truth, that helps me trust you!” “It takes a lot of courage to tell the truth!”

A CONFESSION! First, ask again how the child feels about him/herself for telling the real truth? Tell them how you feel about people who tell the truth–you can trust them and help them. Recognize their courage, but gently acknowledge that the act was still a mistake and when we all make mistakes we need to act to try to fix our mistakes.

Involve the child in the planning of the action of restitution. “Now we need to figure out how to make this better. What do you think we could do?” Depending on the age of the child, it is often helpful to guide them with suggestions so that you’re modeling for them that there are different ways to solve a problem and that they have the power to help make it better and you will help. For example, “Do you think you should help clean up the mess?” “What can you do to help?” Why do you think I’m wanting you to help?”, and so on. Again, depending on the age of the child, the adult might need to guide these answers with questions such as, “Should we “blank” or “blank”? “Should you “blank” or “blank”? (limit choices to avoid overwhelming young children with options)

The final step in the process, after the restitution has been completed, is to engage in a conversation about the entire event. “You chose to a mistake by ________ . You helped make the problem better by choosing to ________ . How do you feel about that? I feel happy that you told the truth and ________. So, what can you choose to do differently next time so that this doesn’t happen again? (help the child formulate a plan by providing a selection (no more than 2-3) of options. And finally, reaffirm that a mistake was made but the truth was told and the NEXT time, the child will know to do something different.

Photo by Lukáš Rychvalský on Unsplash

We do all make mistakes and we all want to be forgiven. Restitution that is appropriate to the offense (natural consequences) teaches children that they can learn from mistakes and have the power to try to help make things better. Taking responsibility for personal behavior will go a long way throughout the rest of the child’s life especially as his/her mistakes often become more serious. This approach empowers children to be able to plan ahead by anticipating behaviors/consequences. Depending on the circumstances of the event, this can also be a great opportunity for building empathy. “How would you feel if _____ and why?”, “How do you think _____ felt when _____ and why?” “How do think _______ will feel after you _____ (take action toward restitution)? Why?”

Consider bibliotherapy: What books can you find to read to a young child where the main character makes a mistake and makes restitution? You can work these kinds of books into your daily reading routine. 🙂

What would you add to this discussion? Why? If you’ve had this kind of conversation, what did you notice about how a youth reacted and/or felt about the situation when it was over? What are the benefits you see in using this method? Please share.

Eco-tip: Help make your family good stewards of the environment by making your own fabric softeners instead of using chemicals. This post gives you a good recipe that will not hurt the planet and does not necessarily contribute to the problem of plastic waste: https://brendid.com/natural-homemade-fabric-softener/. From the article: “Commercial fabric softeners leave a slippery film on fabrics that makes it feel soft to the touch. This chemical film makes contact with skin when you wear clothes, sleep on sheets, or dry off with a towel. There are lots of opportunities for your skin to absorb these dangerous chemicals!” Enlist help from youth to make eco-friendly solutions and talk about why you are doing so. Teach your child to love our Earth.

Do Babies Know?

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In an earlier post I discussed the myth that a baby will be spoiled if it’s picked up or held too much. The answer is an emphatic NO! The opposite is true. Babies who are held more in their first year of life develop a stronger sense of security and belonging. I held my infants to the point where I had in-laws telling me I shouldn’t hold them as much and I should let them “cry it out” sometimes. NOT TRUE. https://www.babble.com/parenting/cuddling-babies-study-benefits-touch/

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Infants don’t cry for no reason. They can be hungry, tired, need to be held, need to have a diaper changed, and they CAN be bored! DANG! 32 years ago baby kangaroo carriers were made so that the infant faced inward toward the mother. My daughter wanted none of that from a very young age. (If you could see my face, you’d understand why.) LOL I had to face her outwardly and it was so uncomfortable. THAT wasn’t enough either–I had to talk to her constantly and tell and show her everything I was doing. She became an appendage. At age 32 I have put her down and she’s on her own. LOL

The first developmental asset is a sense of family security. In cases of extreme neglect, infants who aren’t attended to adequately when they cry or otherwise indicate they need attention learn mistrust and can reach the point where they can never trust the affection of others. This can negatively impact a person’s ability to form intimate relationships throughout their different life stages and into adulthood.

Another way to interrupt an infant’s development of a strong sense of security is the environment of the home. If there is nearly constant turmoil in the form of fighting, arguing, and other kinds of discord, an infant can sense and understand the negative environment which can also create a sense of insecurity. BABIES DO KNOW.

Photo by Sarah Kilian on Unsplash (this advice may not pertain to birds)

Every family experiences at least occasional outbursts of negative communication. It’s something that is unavoidable but, when it happens, it’s important to make sure that infants and children are not involved and do not directly witness fights.(https://www.parentingscience.com/can-babies-tell-when-parents-are-fighting.html) As much as possible, we adults should be aware of little ears and make sure they’re not in the room and can’t hear the arguing. Our wee ones need to feel that they’re in a secure family filled with mostly love. SO, go ahead and pick them up with reckless abandon when they’re newborns and keep the adult fighting confined to places and times when the young ones are not within earshot. All I am saying is “Give security a chance.”

What have been some of your experiences with your infant? What works for you when Baby is crying? How do you contain parental discord (fighting) so your infant is not a witness? Please share your stories.

What Do Our Youth Need?

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Some of our happiest days were when our home was filled with our children and their friends whose family origins began in a wide variety of countries and a variety of sexual identities. We had a rainbow rich with learning, laughing, and loving and we came to know, first hand, that what we all had in common was far greater than the differences we had in customs, religions, etc. The most important commonalities we shared were respect and value for others as humans. I often find myself longing for those days because there was so much laughter and fun and love.

How do we raise our youth to value others? How do we instill respect and the love of learning from other cultures so they don’t grow up with hate and vitriol for others who are not of the same beliefs as they?

In my experience, it’s all about how we adults in all of the systems I discussed in a previous post, model the behaviors we want to instill. Kids are sponges when it comes to observing our words and actions, what we watch on TV and listen to on the radio. You may BELIEVE they’re too young to understand but they never are too young.

Equally important is how we adults in their microsystems value them as individuals. The Search Institute in Minneapolis, Minnesota identified 40 Developmental Assets that are essential to a youth and helping them to thrive. They need to feel loved and secure and know that they are valued before they can value others. Pictured below are all of the assets that were identified as part of a study in 2010. I’ve omitted the survey results because they’re 10 years old. (You can read the original document by clicking on the image.) Given a strong sense of self-value and security, youth will be able to more readily appreciate others. Below is the list of assets.

Copyright © 2011 by Search Institute, 615 First Ave NE, Minneapolis, MN 55415; 800-888-7828; http://www.search-institute.org

I view this list as a starting point for parents to consider. No child will ever have 100% of each developmental asset and that is OK. Life isn’t perfect, parents are perfect, the world is imperfect. The crucial goal is to enrich these assets as much as humanly possible. There will be some days, of course, that are better than others. That is the human experience and helps us develop empathy. As this blog progresses I will integrate some of these assets individually or in clusters as they relate to the topic. Stay tuned. 🙂

What Now?

All of the build-up for the holidays abruptly comes to an end and the next day is business as usual. There are even songs about wanting the spirit of Christmas to last all year. Why can’t it?

REWIND

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I’m changing my topic here and now because of the current news reports about a mass stabbing today in a Jewish Synagogue and a shooting in a church in Texas.

“WHY?” is what we usually lament after these mass killing/wounding events. We condemn the attackers, mourn for the lost souls and their families and feel sad for 5 minutes until the next big news story or the next mass killing. It seems that mass killings happen almost daily and the losses are unbearable. They are also overwhelming and wouldn’t occur without direct teaching of hate beginning at a very young age.

The answer to “WHY?”, in my opinion, lies in the original topic of what I was going to write about initially today. I was not going to focus on Christmas but on other holidays as well including Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. (just because those are the celebrations from this time of year with which most people are familiar)

The climate of hate that seems to prevail in our world today is terrifying. While our executive branch is focusing on somewhat exaggerated threats from terrorists of other countries, our greatest danger is, according to our intelligence agencies, from those who were born and raised in our own country.

It is true that children are not born hating others because of their skin color, religious beliefs, ethnic backgrounds, countries of origin, varying abilities, etc. Essentially, they are blank slates who will be taught to value differences or to view people with differences from themselves with disdain.

When considering the holidays mentioned above, it seems that it takes a conscious effort to ignore their commonalities of the basic tenants central to the mainstream ideas anchored in most religions. From my studies, one of those tenants is valuing others no matter their differences and appreciating the richness of embracing and learning from so many different cultures and kinds of people. So why is this ideal so overlooked by those who choose to reject others instead of embracing them? I’m afraid that the answers are too many and varied to address in one blog post. I will begin by discussing a developmental psychological point of view.

Urie Bronfenbrenner, is a developmental psychologist Who developed a nesting model of development. (The model discussed below is of the early model only.) Think of a stone landing in the water. The stone represents the individual and the waves that spread out around the origin of the drop represent the models of increasing societal influences on the development of the individual. (child)

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The first wave surrounding the stone is the smallest and represents the microsystem, or the smallest system and consists of the immediate family including parents, caregivers, siblings, and school system. Children have direct contact with these individuals on an almost daily (school) basis.

The second wave is called the mesosystem and it surrounds the microsystem. In this wave, the influences on a child include all of those in the microsystem as well as the relationships between people in their microsystem and those with whom they have direct contact. Examples would include a child’s teacher and parents. In this example there is a direct relationship between two people in the microsystem. Both the parents and the teacher are in a child’s microsystem and they both have a relationship with one another. The parent/teacher relationship constitute the mesosystem.

Surrounding all of the people in the micro and meso systems is the exosystem. This circle of influence in a child’s life includes all of those in the micro and meso systems as well as those who do not have direct influence on the child but those who impact the child’s life. One example of such a person might be a parent’s boss who promotes a parent and issues a raise in pay. The influence on the child may be that the family is no longer stressed financially and the child’s needs can be easily met. The child benefits because the parents are also experiencing a benefit and there might be less stress in the overall life of the family.

Finally, the macrosystem encompasses all individuals included in the other systems and encompasses “cultural and societal beliefs and programming that influence an individual’s development“. Some examples would be rules, laws, and regulations of local, state, and national government, religious beliefs, and gender norms among others.

Our first and most important development influences are those in our microsystems. From birth our parents and caregivers model and promote their values and beliefs which children absorb like sponges. Listening to a very young child speak and interact with others can be a window into the world of their immediate families. This is where children are mostly taught to value or degrade others. Youth hang on every word and deed of their immediate family members and these become their truths. In homes where differences are appreciated and embraced, children learn loving attitudes and conversely, when children hear judgement, hate, and vitriol toward groups or individuals they learn to hate and judge. An example of this is my mother who, upon meeting a friends African-American housekeeper, turned to her friend and exclaimed, “Barbara! You have a n****r working for you?” (This housekeeper and my mother later became very close friends.) One would not have had to have met her immediate family to understand what she had been taught by them. She learned what she lived.

What do we want our children to learn and embrace? Do they benefit from isolationism and hate? Do isolation and hate enhance a child’s sense of well-being and belonging in the world and help create a sense of community or do they separate and isolate the child creating a sense of fear and being alone in a very small community? Overall, how do we want a child to develop in a most beneficial way to the child and the world in which that child lives; hate or value?

Why Does Santa Love Them More?

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Many school children are home now for the winter holidays including Christmas. When they return to school after the beginning of the year there will be so much chatter about who got what from Santa. It’s exciting to share and compare but sometimes the comparison can lead to feelings of sadness as the children from less economically advantaged homes wonder why they weren’t as loved by Santa as their peers. In my teaching career I have heard children lament that they must have been bad because Santa only brings toys to “good” children, right? (Such exchanges with our students encourage so many of us teachers to give “Santa” gifts to families who would otherwise not have them. Numerous organizations can also be counted on to save the day for families but not every child is able to be reached.)

A friend of mine from the gym explained that he and his wife have never let their 5 year-old believe in Santa. She has known from the time she could understand that the gifts were from Mommy and Daddy. Their belief is that honesty will keep her from being let down or feeling left out when other children’s gifts exceed the perceived value of hers.

What is the answer to these two very different celebrations of Christmas for parents who are seeking to build compassion and empathy in their children? We have families who attribute most if not all gift giving from Santa and others who attribute nothing to Santa. Is one way of celebrating Christmas right? Is way one wrong? That’s up to the families to decide. One excellent compromise that I wish I had heard when my kids were wee tots is that Santa brings one or X numbers of toys and the parents and other family members give the rest. I would have adopted that story because it is so much fun for some of us to keep Santa alive and see our children eagerly anticipate his arrival. Santa is what so many of us grew up thinking about Christmas and the idea of Santa is certainly a tale perpetuated in the media. It’s also a way to make Christmas more inclusive for less fortunate youth.

No matter how a family chooses to celebrate, there will still be comparisons between classmates of the numbers and kinds of toys each has received so if you child receives X numbers of toys and you give the rest you can easily explain that YOU asked Santa to do so in order that more children could get presents for Christmas. My mother would take us on a journey through the Sears toy catalog and she explained that the prices indicated how many hours it took Santa’s elves to make a toy. She wanted us to be considerate of Santa’s time and cautioned that if we asked for too many hours of toys that Santa might be disappointed because he couldn’t have his elves spend that many hours on one child because there were so many others for whom he had to make toys, after all. That wasn’t a bad idea either.

There is no right or wrong way to share the spirit of love and giving in a family but there are ways to make Christmas more inclusive for children whose families can and can’t afford extravagant gift giving. Maybe re-framing our tales of Santa to our to children might be something to consider.

Has your family grappled with how or whether or not to introduce Santa into Christmas celebrations? What was your decision? What did you consider when making the choice? Please share your stories.